Painful, Pointless and Overrated
by TallDarkAndHandsome
Summary: Damon is searching for Elena to tell her how sorry he is and how much he regrets breaking it off with her. However, Elena is battling her inner demons as well. Literally. Damon POV of 5x12 scene. One-shot.


**For damon-stan-club's Day 4 of Damon Appreciation Week (Season 5). Most heartbreaking moment.**

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I finally found her. She looked disheveled, scared. Her wild brown hair that I love to run my fingers through, flapping erratically behind her. My Elena.

I ran towards her, determined to not let her slip through my undeserving fingers again. I was done being miserable about the breakup. Come on, my girl deserved better. I was changing for good this time. If I was the fault in our relationship, then I was to be the one to fix it.

As she noticed me, she ran towards me too. If possible, she seemed more relieved to see me than I was to see her. I sprinted until she crashed into me, hugging me as tight as ever.

I loved her hugs. She could make your day better with one hug, that's her thing. Hugging Elena was like having the sadness and negativity squeezed out of you. With every stroke of her hand, the dark years of my life were erased from my memory. She undid the evil in my life; made me feel like a fresh start.

I tried to hug her with nearly enough feeling but I realized something. She was scared. No, she was panting.

'Damon thank god!'

'What's wrong?' I asked, trying to soothe her like she did countless times to me.

I knew she needed some quiet and safety to calm her nerves. So I didn't press on. Her heart thumped erratically against my chest as I stroked her long brown locks. We stayed like that for about ten seconds, listening to each other's undead hearts to calm ourselves down.

But then something happened to her. I felt her hands loosen slightly around my neck, as though she'd gone immobile. I wondered what was wrong but she wasn't pushing me away yet. I didn't take my arms off her but I was about to pull her farther enough so I could see her face. Can't have her seizuring on me, now could I?

Slowly but surely, I felt her inch away from me. I was officially concerned.

'Okay?' I asked, stroking her cheek. Her eyes were wild. She looked so confused and unaware of her surroundings. What happened to her? I wanted to take away whatever had gotten her so agitated.

'Hey,' I said carefully. She was avoiding my eyes. I didn't know how to say what I wanted to with her acting all confused and determined. Besides, she was freaking me out.

'Say something please.'

She brushed her hair away from her face.

'I've been looking everywhere for you. We need to talk.' She said, seriously. She had that serious look in her face that used to annoy me. However, I was glad she was okay.

'Yeah, I want to talk to you,' I started slowly. She was still avoiding my eyes. I began, cautiously.

'The messages on the phone were all me… in case you deleted them or didn't listen to them,' I said, my voice tapering off towards the end, realizing she probably didn't.

'I listened to every word,' she stated resolutely, finally looking at me. I nodded slowly remembering the many voicemails I left her.

_Hi Elena. It's me. I know I broke up with you and everything but Katherine's death had me thinking about us. What if something happened to me or you and we never got to see each other again? What if our last time was a horrible, horrible fight? I still love you so much Elena and I don't want to let that go. I'm sorry for what I said the other day. That was incredibly stupid. Please pick up the phone. Love you. Bye._

_Hello Elena, it's me. I know this is like the 10__th__ time I am calling or leaving you a message but I am sorry. I cant repeat this enough. I was scared, Elena. I was scared that I'd ruin you and corrupt you so I backed out. I was so stupid, I still am I suppose. Still love me? Anyways, I am sorry Elena. I'd send you Xs and Os but I want to be able to do that in person. Call me? Please? Bye._

I could still pinpoint the moment at 'please' when my voice cracked.

'Then you know how badly I screwed up. I wussed out Elena. I bailed because I was convinced that I'd ruin you-'

'That's not what this is about Damon-'

'I know, just hear me out,' I said, trying to get it out before she said something. 'Just hear me out.'

I took a deep breath and began trying to sound as calm as possible. However, the words came out breathlessly.

'You are literally the best person I've ever known. Even to think that I could change you gives me way too much credit and you, not nearly enough.'

Her expression didn't soften. If anything, she looked at me like I was some sort of a zoo animal.

'You are the best influence on me,' I said, softer. It was the truest thing I've ever said. I placed a hand on her cheek and cupped it. Gazing with all the love I could muster for her, I said, 'I need you. You are the good and I need a little good in my life. Because without it, there's an awful lot of darkness.'

She knew that. She definitely knew how much she'd meant to him. He'd just never said it before. Not out loud. Not like this.

I waited for her reaction, hoping that she'd forgive me. Hoping that she'd understand how important she was to me.

Instead, she shook her head and slowly pulled her hand away from his. She turned around and said slowly the words that would haunt me in my dreams.

'That's a lot of pressure Damon.'

My heart dropped. I did it. I finally brought her empathy and love to its breaking point.

'I know,' I said, hurried, before she could stop. Before she could push me away. 'I know. Elena-'

'No. No,' she said, turning around, a steely resolve in her voice that I'd never spotted before. She was never this harsh to me when I bled my heart open like this. Even if she'd reject me, it'd be softly, gently. Nudging me closer to where I belonged.

'It's my turn now.'

'Yeah, yeah,' I muttered. 'Okay.'

She shook her head, before speaking her mind. 'I love that I make you a better person. I love that I make you happy but-'

But?

'But I don't want to be the only thing that you live for.'

I was right.

She'd had enough.

'I don't want to worry about what's going to happen everytime we get into a fight or if we break up again. Or who you're going to take it out on.'

WHO I'm going to take it out on! I held my anger back when I could have easily ripped someone's throat out; I didn't kill...for her. Her every word was like a frying pan wedged into my heart, slowly devouring it, turning it into ash.

'Wait, what are you talking about?'

'I know what you did to Katherine, Damon.'

Katherine?! She was upset about KATHERINE?!

'She was weak and dying and you still tortured her.'

'How is this about Katherine, I'm-'

'It's not,' she interrupted me. 'It's not, okay? It's about you, it's about you,' she said, looking me straight in the eye. 'It's about the person that I can't change.'

I can't change. I am stuck in my selfish self, without an out. Underserving of love, of happiness.

'And the person that you really are.'

A monster.

_Sorry Elena, but last time I checked I was still a vampire. _His spiteful words to her long ago when she was human surfaced in his memory to torture him further.

Then she said the words that did it for me. Proving all my worst fears, all my worst insecurities, true. Obliterating all hope from my existence.

'That person was right to let me go.'

I did nothing but stare at her in shock. I couldn't believe it. As far as I knew, Elena would never-

Maybe she would. Maybe I didn't know her at all. Maybe I was just starting to.

The worst part was that I didn't feel anger. I only felt pain. Elena didn't hurt me like Katherine did. Katherine made me feel like shit, made me follow her around like a puppy. Even after everything I did for her, she picked my brother over me. Elena picked me over Stefan, then realized I wasn't good enough. It was like getting to the finish line only to realize you have been disqualified from the start.

'I'm sorry Damon.'

I wanted to say something. To tell her how much I loved her. But I'd already said everything. She still didn't want me.

'It's over.'

I faintly registered my head was shaking in denial, disbeleiving that she was actually leaving me. She couldn't. After all we've been through, this couldn't be goodbye.

'We're over.'

The first pangs of pain cut through my thick wall of denial at that exact moment. Tears were forming behind my eyes, threatening to surface. I blinked rapidly, trying to channel my hurt into anger, that familiar zone that I practically lived in for over 150 years. But I couldn't. I couldn't be mad at her. She hadn't said anything wrong. It was all true. I was bad for her and no one should have to live with the burden of being someone's sole reason for existence. I'd put her through so much already. Looking back, I wondered why I'd even bothered to hope that she'd be there for me. I could never be in a relationship based on love and understanding. I infamously ruined things like that.

She backed from me as I watched, dumbstruck. She walked away and I couldn't help but wonder when she'd become so intolerant of me. Of my love.

First, Katherine. Now, Elena.

Enough.

I should have listened to my pre-Elena self. The only time I had the right definition of love.

Painful, pointless and overrated.

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